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BloodRayne
Ok, I can honestly say that Bloodrayne is Uwe Boll's best film. At the very least, it's his best video game adaptation. Again, like Alone in the Dark was a vast improvement over House of the Dead, it says a lot, but still doesn't mean all that much. Maybe I should say this, it's his most competent film to date. It looks like an actual movie. Not a direct to video movie, a real movie. It has some fairly decent production values, and doesn't look like it was shot or edited by a 10 year old. Mostly. In fact, I'm a little disappointed, because I was looking forward to trashing this thing worse than anything Steven Seagal has produced in the past five years, but this let me down. It's still pretty bad, don't get me wrong. The acting is laughable, especially when you consider that everyone is trying for British accents EXCEPT for Michael Madsen, who's just playing Michael Madsen. (Although, strangely enough, I liked him better in this than in Sin City). The plot is kind of silly, although there's really only one major plot strand, as opposed to the "We're bored with this storyline, let's introduce something new that doesn't make sense" approach of Alone in the Dark. It's not that great a story, but it woks, and carries the film. The special effects are decent (no video game footage). Oh, and this movie has one of THE MOST unnecessary and gratuitous sex scenes I have ever seen. Seriously, there's no budding attraction between the two leads, there's nothing that can prepare you for it. It's just this rough sex scene with no place in the movie, just for a chance to see Kristanna Loken's breasts. They are lovely, believe me, but you feel a little embarrassed for her. It didn't help that she sat a few rows ahead of me, either. Ummm....the story is odd. It's the 1700s, I think. Kristanna plays Rayne, a vampire who's been in the custody of a carnival sideshow. She's a vampire, and she drinks blood and heals to the audience's delight. But she's not just a vampire. She's a dhampir, a half human, half vampire. Kind of like Blade, but without the being able to walk in sunlight thing. (I tell you, there were times when I wish Blade would show up just to shut everyone's mouth, and truly kick some ass). Anyway, there's head vampire guy, named Kagan, played by Academy Award winner, Sir Ben Kingsley. He's Rayne's father, and he raped and murdered Rayne's mother in front of her eyes. (She says this a few times. They show it too, but this lady with an enormous head - seriously, it was like Sputnik- was sitting upright and blocking my view). Anyway, Kagan wants to collect these three parts of the most powerful vampire - the eye, heart, and rib- and become the most powerful vampire. Or something. There's this group called the Brimstone society, and they're intent on stopping this. They're led by Vladamir (Madsen), and he has Sebastian (Matt Davis, who was in Below, which is a movie that rocks, go see it instead) and Katherine (Michelle Rodriguez, more on her later) at his side. Anyway, there's a lot of fighting, and a lot of boring talky scenes, and the uncomfortable sex scene with Matt Davis and Kristanna Loken, and then a big battle. Because Rayne joins forces with Brimstone, after she acquires the eye, which absorbs into her. Or something. I'm not really all too clear on that.So yeah, it sounds like a recipe for disaster,  with all fans waiting for Uwe Boll to stir the pot the only way he can. But he actually manages to get some things right. There's some good blood stuff in here, that can be kind of amusing. The man needs to learn geography when shooting an action sequence, as well as hiring a better fight choreographer. But the fights aren't horrible. In fact, there's nothing horrible about this movie. Actually, there is one thing. Michelle Rodriguez. I'm sorry, I tried defending her for ages. But the fact is, even with a decent turn on Lost this season, the girl always plays the same pissed off character. And it's not all that good a job she does playing it. On top of that, she struggles with a horrible accent that comes and goes. At least Madsen didn't bother trying. Like I said, the movie isn't horrible at all, which should come as a surprise. I never played the game Bloodrayne. but I thought it involved Nazis. Apparently this is a prequel to the storyline of the games, which is actually a smart way to accomplish this. It was an interesting setting for a vampire flick, and the sets look pretty decent, and not at all like a renaissance fair's back lot. Shooting in Romania probably helped. Uwe Boll didn't shit the bed like he normally does, and I walked away, well, a little disappointed. Still, I've seen pretty worse flicks on cable TV late at night. This film is mediocre. It's beige. Plain. It's cotton candy, instantly forgotten after leaving the theater. Actually, the best part of the whole flick was the Dungeon Siege teaser attached at the beginning. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm curious about this movie. It looks quite decent. At least it looks light years better than Dungeons and Dragons. That movie sucked some groin, huh? It looks pretty decent, and Jason Statham looks really badass. Sure, it looks like a Lord of the Rings rip off, but it could shock us all. NOW, on to the after party. Hanging outside the premiere, I managed to say hi to Hellboy himself, Ron Perlman, who was very friendly, but definitely wanting to get far away from me. My friend and I tried to break into the after party by tagging along with Michael Madsen and his crew, but that didn't happen. So we hung outside the party for quite awhile, drinking and scheming ways to get inside. Lucky for us, everyone left the party, and we got see them all. We spotted Kristanna, who looked like she was going to prom. That girl is VERY tall, but I have to confess, I like her better as a red head, like in the film. I found her quite hot there). Will Sanderson was there. Uwe Boll enthusiasts, such as myself, know that Will is in every Uwe Boll movie. He's even on the commentary track on House of the Dead, and he dies halfway through the flick. Anyway, he was pretty damn cool. But then came the moment of truth. I actually got to meet the man himself. Dr. Uwe Boll. A moment like this, I couldn't have prepared for. Let me tell you something, I've trashed this man more than most should. Hell, I show House of the Dead to anyone and everyone to show them what is quite possibly the worst film ever made. (Of course, I did BUY a copy of it, but that's besides the point). Meeting him was something I never would have expected to do. And let me tell you something, he's actually a pretty nice guy. He certainly knows ABOUT movies. (We share the same opinions on a few things, including the horrible ending of War of the Worlds). And he's polite, and friendly, and he gives you his full attention when you talk with him. It almost made me feel bad trashing his other films. Almost. The movies still suck balls. And this one really is his best film yet. I'm not saying that because I feel bad. I'm saying it because it's my honest opinion. I hope he gets his act together and makes an awesome movie, and shuts guys like me up for awhile. Time will tell, I guess. Anyway, that was my evening. Sure it could have been better if I got called away halfway through the movie to have sex with a cute girl, but that didn't happen. It's a diversion at best. See at your own risk, but I highly recommend seeing the film while drinking. I rate it about on par with Underworld, which was a film that could have been SO much better. This movie could have been SO much better too, but it is what it is. Oh well. There's always Dungeon Siege.....

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