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Alexander Reviewed By Scott Weinberg Posted 11/24/04 19:37:34

"With great ego comes great unintended hilarity." (Pretty Bad)

It's tough to know where one begins dissecting a cinematic misstep of this epic scale. You could point to the endlessly tiresome monologues, the hilariously overwrought acting stylings, the indecipherable action scenes...or you could be an optimist and mention how lovely the costumes are. And the matte paintings, too.Whoever thought Oliver Stone was the guy to direct a swords and sandals epic like Alexander...well, let's just call those people a bit misguided (if, of course, the expenditure of about $215 million could qualify as "a bit"). Stone is a talented filmmaker who's made some truly great movies...most of which consist of people talking, arguing, speechifying and committing vast conspiracies. Aside from his excellent Platoon, there's not much in Stone's filmography that implies a talent for grand, sweeping costume drama / historical epic / massive action film.And here's the final proof of Stone's limitations: It's called Alexander and damn if it's not one of the most overcooked and undersatisfying movies of the year. One's cautious optimism turns into a creeping sense of dread almost immediately: Angelina Jolie is on hand as a Greek woman who insists on talking with a thick Russian accent. Our protagonist, the legendary Macedonian warlord, wavers between an American accent and an Irish brogue. The rest of the cast members were apparently assigned accents at random. One hates to harp on something as obvious as "flimsy accents" - but nothing drags you out of a potentially dramatic story like Angelina Jolie doing a Natasha Fatale impersonation.Alexander is, of course, a story about the renowned Alexander the Great. And that my movie-mate turned to me after we'd just spent three hours watching this film and said "So...what made the guy so great after all?" is a clear indication of some truly muddled storytelling. If a filmmaker cannot explain in 180 minutes why Alexander was eventually dubbed "The Great" - that's a filmmaker wading in an end of the pool he's probably not meant for.Like all historical epics that need to be dumbed down for the masses, Alexander employs a horribly withered narration device: a friz-headed Anthony Hopkins (as Ptolemy) rambles on and on, endlessly offering up story points that would probably be better served were they delivered, y'know, visually. Having an old man reminisce about some massive battle isn't really the same as, well, showing the audience a massive battle. And in a movie that demands, yes, three full hours of your life, lazy voice-over narration techniques are highly unwelcome across the board.That's not to imply that Alexander doesn't have battles in it. There are two: one that's actually pretty impressive when the cameras stop twirling through the trees, and one that must be impressive because it features elephants vs. horses. This second battle comes way too late in the game to save Alexander; those who've made it that far will be too annoyed to appreciate the flick's last lingering traces of energy. One could perhaps defend Stone's approach to the material by saying "He could have just delivered a whole mess of action scenes, but we've seen that time and again!" And I could respond "Fair enough, but why is the film so intent on replacing mindless action with toothless drama? Why such a delirious devotion to the angst-ridden minutae of Al's inner demons? Why the endless Macbethian whinings? How ham-fisted does the Oedipal symbolism have to be before audience members weep in submission?" It's not a lack of action that dooms Alexander; it's the lack of anything resembling dramatic cohesion. The movie rambles from spot to spot with nary a signpost nor a reason offered as to why we should even care about the people onscreen. And the less said about the "gay angle", the better. Stone has the stones to imply a whole lot of guy-on-guy subtext (so much, in fact, that in ceases being subtext and morphs immediately into broad farce) but pulls back from actually addressing the characters' homosexuality. It's as if everyone's baking cakes but nobody's allowed to say the word "cake".Colin Farrell, normally a tough and commanding presence in any movie, is made mild and mawkish in Stone's hands. Sure, it's tough to act beneath hair that silly, but basically Farrell's just not the guy for this part. Like, not even almost the right guy. Angelina Jolie, get this, plays his Mom. Yeah. Forget that she's literally ONE year older than Mr. Farrell in the movie we call "real life" - the main sticking point is that Ms. Jolie, for all her gorgeousness and profoundly puffy lip-ness, is about as home in a Grecian Epic as Carrot Top would be in, well, any movie. Basically, all the leads are distracting; not one of them even remotely 'melts' into their role. Even the best performances in the flick (say, Val Kilmer as Alexander's one eyed, two-faced father) suffer from silly prosthetic scars or hilarious vocal inflections. (Yep, there's that accent thing again...)Alexander would be camp on a Mommie Dearest level, were it just a bit sillier. As it stands, this mammoth miscue is simply too boring to be "so bad it's good". The handful of unintentional chuckles are mired amidst a film so bloated, so dry, and so sloppily constructed, one simply boggles that it was directed by the man responsible for JFK and Born on the Fourth of July. You could literally chop Alexander up into six 30-minute blocks, reassemble it at random, and the movie would make the exact same amount of sense (i.e. none).Every filmmaker out there is due to lay an egg or two throughout their career, and clearly Oliver Stone is no exception. But to deliver an epic this meandering and tiresome, and then insist we sit through three consecutive hours of the thing, just reeks of vanity and, frankly, a bizarre sense of cluelessness.
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