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Pacifier, The Reviewed By Jack Sommersby Posted 06/12/06 04:46:53

"Vin Diesel vs. Dirty Diapers" (Total Crap)

No, one doesn't expect something by the likes of a masterpiece with a film like this, but at least something that doesn't make you feel your IQ's literally dropping while you're watching it.In the excrement-obsessed The Pacifier, Vin Diesel stars as a Navy Seal who must contend with more dirty diapers than he probably ever has gunshots. Assigned to guard a five-child family while the mother is away on a top-secret, government-sponsored overseas trip, Diesel's Shane Wolfe finds himself up to his cement-block biceps in hijinks, domestic squabbles, and, most of all, yes, dirty diapers. When the nanny bolts the scene for good out of frustration, it's Wolfe who's stuck taking the kids to school and running errands, and, yes, dealing with dirty diapers from the household's youngest member. You'd think a Navy Seal, in light of their the-world-over rigorous training, would be about as fazed by a diaper as a drunk would a boilermaker at nine in the morning; and you'd also think after an initial diaper gag, the film would cross this off its list of "must-haves" and move on. Instead, Wolfe can't go ten minutes of screen time, it seems, without encountering one, and during a high-speed car chase, one's even thrown against a bad guy's windshield to temporarily blind him. And when these darling things aren't being employed, a smelly bathroom and Wolfe covered from head to toe in brown stuff from a harmless dive into a sewer are thrown into this cinematic commode to entice the millions who're apparently more receptive and approving of this kind of thing than bare breasts during a Super Bowl half-time show. (God help us.) Of course, one should expect very little from a film by director Adam Shankman, whose prior outing, Bringing Down the House, left acumen-possessive critics and audiences gagging in the aisles. Most of the scenes are pathetically shaped, the timing off a good second or two, the action sequences leaving a lot to be desired, and the only thing more annoying than the use of a pet duck as a supposed laugh riot is the contribution of ace cinematographer Peter James, who used to be Bruce Beresford's regular cameraman and whose immense talent is on unfortunate display here. Not helping either is the mediocre Vin Diesel, who's tolerable in supporting roles but mostly one-note as a leading man; unlike Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, he doesn't have the comic talent to sustain a feature-length film. Add to this a supporting cast of no-talents (excepting Carol Kane as the nanny and Lauren Graham as a school principal) and crummy dialogue to boot, and you have a so-called comedy that's swiftly enough paced but so hopeless only the Roto Rooter man would have a shot of, well, cleaning the proceedings up.If this is your thing, you can always stake out a bathroom for 2 hours and get some of the same pleasure.
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